If there is one thing I have learnt in the short life i have lived, it's to never think I was infallible, incapable of making mistakes, And that was something I had to learn in more ways than one. I was in fact capable of succumbing to emotions, picking escape over logic, and sometimes my carefulness was not always as thought out as i had hoped.I was capable at doing the same thing of which i laid blame on others, very capable of waking up to a crippling realization that i had in fact succumbed to the thoughtless orbit of decisions. I am no saint, that I have come to understand and I should not Be with a gavel,
eager to hit the lectern.I had to learn the bile that was life, in ways that felt like a punishment, an accumulation of sins of my past and Present, brought upon me through the lapse of my own judgment, a divine retribution, or perhaps not. I do not yearn to blame others for that which is mine, neither do I seek sympathy, I am fully in connect with my actions and their consequences, But it does little to lesson the blow when it strikes in tiny waves, through pillars of comfort I perceived I had.
I live vicariously now, with a part of me in fear left crawling with a spike through its midriff. I hope that it was all a dream and when I awake, I shall be whole. Sometimes I do believe it was all a dream, when my dreams become real and I instead wakeup to a dream, at those moments, barely long enough for a soul to have life, there is a disconnect between that which is my reality and that which is not, for that time I have peace. This is what I am, what has become of me, and what I have learnt, once again in ways that can only be of my own making.
Hold me, when next you see me, give me a hug so tight that it suffocates me, whisper in my ears, and tell me- i know you are no saint, But we are all not in each story that is-. Maybe that would fuel me with a little courage, so I may extend the days which I Have timed for myself, following the actualization of an impending doom.
The connoisseur
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